As I sit here in the hospital as my little Hazelnut is asleep and awaiting the first night of her 3rd round of Chemo (it should start in about half an hour), I am reminded of a realization I came to earlier this week. It has to do with the guilt, as a mother, I have felt over the last several years. Mostly this has stemmed from social media allowing me to constantly compare myself with other mothers out there (Pinterest, I'm looking at you!); and if you are a mother, you probably know what I am talking about. I see these crafty, creative, organized, calm, thoughtful and poised women who all also just happen to be able to cook amazing meals ever night; and I feel like I just don't measure up! I am not this type of woman. I may have some slivers of these qualities, but this is not the kind of mother I was built to be. This feeling of perpetual inadequacy is something I have battled with tremendously and a quote by Theodore Roosevelt continues to really resonate with me: He said, "Comparison is the thief of joy".
However, this past week, I felt God just wash this peace over me and He drew me to the aforementioned realization, which is this: I was made specifically by Him, and He made me in such a way to be a very specific kind of mother. I truly believe He did not make me the crafty, creative mother; but orchestrated my life in such a way that I would be molded into the mother who could handle the trial that I am in now. He knit me together with this journey in mind, and has given me the unique qualities (which have been molded through my life experiences) that have equipped me for this moment in time. I no longer care about being the mother I was not made to be and am extremely thankful that He made me the mother that I AM!
As I finish this post, the nurses are walking in with the Chemo and are ready to administer, so please keep my daughter in your prayers this week! I will keep you updated on how everything goes!
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